It has been some time since I did this. I was talking with my good friend Alfred the other day and he asked me when I was going to write again. I haven’t even really thought about it. However, since he said it, it ran through my mind that it has been so long since I did so. I guess moving in with a writer, some self doubt played a little role in that. Plus the fact, me, not even thinking anyone was even reading it. I feel weird writing about myself. I don’t really show pictures, or even a considerable amount of the things I do, magazines you can find me in, or my general everyday meal. I use to write about my random adventures, tattoo conventions I got to attend along with a little bit about the towns I got to visit across the country. There is so much that went on this past year that made it such a big turn around for me. Some which took months and others that took moments.
On here I got a little lazy with just uploading from my instagram and not taking the time of putting a different aspect of me here. I try to do that with having so many different social networking site. I mean there are plenty of over lapping pics or sayings that I tend to say. But I do try to do at least one thing differently that stands out on each network. Some by just not ever going on them….I think the only site that got any love the month of December was my Facebook. Bleh, I know, but i tend to have a lot of random thoughts and I write a couple that come into mind. This December I decided to do my own version of a “walk about”. I lost who I was and wanted to get a good grip on myself and where my life was heading and what direction I now wanted to go in. My whole outlook on life has changed so drastically that I needed to take a step back and really figure out what’s next. I did actually walk. I tend to do so in NYC. Always have. It’s one of the things that really clears my head. Walking through the streets with my headphones in to create the soundtrack from the chaos to the calming quiet in NYC. With my time I got to look over this year as a whole as well as where my life has lead me from my distant past. Well, at least the parts I can remember. It was beyond eye opening and I really got to learn about myself.
When I was younger on New Years Eve a key moment happened in my life that has played a role in a lot from that moment on. Being crossed by the woman you “loved” and by your best friend and an early age can be kind of a set back in every relationship you have from then on. Not just intimate, but even on the friend level. My friend Jess said to me the other night that I am a man that loves heart ache. I don’t believe that I love the way I feel when I am treated wrong. I just have that want in belief. Belief in the words of Music artist such as “City and Colour” or “As tall as Lions” or the Serendipity within life that love can be amazing fed to us from romantic movies. I Always kept woman and people in general at arms length since that time as a young man. I’m cordial and I would always be a great friend, but you would never really know that much about me. I always made it about you even when you wanted to know about me. If they are not close then they can’t really hurt you. After a while it was just easy and second nature. I didn’t believe in even the concept of marriage let alone seeing the downfall of Genuine human contact from all the technology that we have been hit with like a tidal wave. Then I met a girl last year that turned my world upside down. Without my knowledge I saw her from time to tome throughout the years and I did my usually thing of keeping me out of falling into her. However, she did a good job of completely tearing down my walls and actually wanting to know who I was and not fall victim to my usual side step. I turned out to be just a guy she saw while she was on break from her long term relationship, but I made peace with that. However, what she did do, was open my eyes like no one has ever done before. I believed in what love within my heart could really be. I could let people in, let myself be vulnerable to some, let myself just…be.
“The red washing down the bathtub can’t change the color of the sea at all”
With this happening I had something change that I didn’t think would. I am a man that got into art drawing based off of what’s inside. Not just to appeal to the general public, but more so a piece of me. Yes I tend to draw women a lot. But sometimes those women look like someone that is making an impact in me. If they are actually in my daily life or not. Sometimes they are just a thought that was overcome that day,week or extended period of time. but they made an impact. We all do something with emotion. If it’s good or bad we all have a feeling within what we are doing. I just get to put it on paper with a pencil, write nonsense on Facebook to bring you a smile or put a needle in your skin. With my personal relationships now able to move forward letting myself be in that vulnerable state, I can move forward in all the rest of the aspects in my life.
Family is an interesting word for me. I have my blood family that is good for the most part. Most of all my brother Steve. He really is beyond an amazing person. I could write for days all that he means to me and I don’t think there is anyone in my life that compares to the support and love that he has consistently given me over all the years of my life. My other brothers, are friends that I have had most of my life as well. We all lead completely different lives, yet all have a common bond that is unbreakable. These guys would gladly die for me and I would do the same to them at the drop of a hat. My newest development in an extended family has become the people that I see while I am on the road. My tattoo/art family. Being all over the country we all still pick up the phone just to make sure everything is going ok. Not just small talk, (How’s the weather over there?, How are you?) genuine concern of what’s going on in each others life. I love it, and I’m grateful for all that became within this dynamic group. Yet even here, with all these different groups of family that I have in my life, I didn’t give myself completely. This past year that had changed and I feel the difference from them as well.
2013 is here tomorrow and I began to write down my goals. My friend Billy got me on this a couple years ago. Actually take out a piece of paper and write down what you would like to accomplish. Big, small, long term or short. Write it down. It makes a huge difference to look at that list from time to time. I’m going to begin to write more often again, I’m going to let love in if it shows itself to me, draw with pure emotion and I am going to take my family in with a huge hug and never let them go. These among many other goals will be written down as my objective for the day. Time to start working again and get back on top of this social networking with guns blazin’…and tight pants. I will be heading off to Washington D.C. next week so at least I know for January I can already tell you there should be some great content when I get to spend time with my great friend Cyn Rudzis (amazing Tattoo artist).